I’ve been watching for a while now and you’re beautiful, interesting and engaging and I have to ask, what the f**k are you doing?
Look after your body a little better it’s beautiful and sometimes you abuse it. You know will feel the benefits, even if you don’t notice them. I know that your tired and it’s cold but your physio is helpful and you have an electric heater. Play some music remind yourself of the times you end up crippled by pain that will not let up, it feels far away now but it’s really f***ing unpleasant and its preventable. Being physical is important dance, you love to dance, don’t use the no space excuse you can dance anywhere.
On that note your stomach and gut are sensitive and you need to take the time to figure out why, it will change things for the better, the stress will be worth it. I’m impressed by the three weeks you managed Gluten Free I appreciate that was challenging, but it was the first step, you know that, it’s going to be hard but I will be here. Feeling sick and uncomfortable is deeply unpleasant, it’s happening far too much and it stops you doing things.
Looking after your body also means looking after your mind, anxious is not a part of your personality you know that, you are a calm resilient person, stress management is a constant journey. Mental health takes work and sometimes that work is done lying down and relaxing but if you are just as anxious when you stand up something isn’t working. You have strategies to help use them, it will help you physically as well.
Be mindful pay attention to the ground beneath your feet and the sounds around you, pay attention to your senses close your eyes and just feel your body. Pay attention to what your doing, you don’t need to engage constantly in lots of things.
You know that creative practice helps your mind stay steady and yes you go to the studio once a week but you need to embed it more outside of a Monday. You have projects in your brain, work on them it doesn’t take a lot, set aside time and force yourself sit at your desk/on the street/in a cafe and make something, write something. The things you create connect things in your head, they calm the rush of thoughts and almost feelings. Creativity helps you engage with the world and see things in different ways.
When was the last time you found new music, it’s all very well putting on the same stuff to keep you calm, get you up but you know the effect music can have from hearing it in films, tv, at friends. I know it feels difficult but it’s worth the effort there are things you can do to help, look up film soundtracks you like also you have friends who like music you can use it to connect, you can even go out to find music which could involve dancing and company, three birds one bloody stone.
On that note, I see that your job is challenging, putting on a customer service face and constantly engaging is exhausting but remember you don’t have to put that on with other people. You may have the intelligence to figure out what someone is thinking/asking eventually but you don’t need to, you can ask or live not knowing. You don’t need to phrase things right or put a positive spin on everything, it’s okay to just be. You have your spreadsheet of the 25 people you love most, use it, you know you can spend time in their company even just for a moment and be you (even if your brain tells you otherwise).
Also it’s okay not to do group socialising, there are times you have the energy to go to that stuff but if you are feeling anxious you will likely dissociate which will make you feel worse. If you do go look after yourself, take breaks away from the noise, and lights remember you don’t have to be the life and soul of the party. Only drink for the taste, if you don’t want to be their alcohol will only make it worse, you are allowed to leave.
You don’t need to have it all figured out now, it takes work and a lot of wandering round not knowing what the hell is going on but use the things you know to make it not so hard. I know you can write proper reasonable to do lists use that skill. You’ll figure out the job thing eventually or you’ll have an interesting time not figuring it out, don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
When you notice your thoughts becoming darker, when your skin starts to itch remember the things that soothe you. Scratching feels good in the moment, filling your head with darkness can be comforting but it’s not a permanent solution and it just makes it harder. Breath and feel the itch let it be uncomfortable, sit with the thoughts and let them wash through your head (or use some other shitty metaphor). Living in extremes is not sustainable however glorious it may feel. Let intense feelings run their course and no more. The beautiful complexity requires regular maintenance and that has its own beauty.
Sometimes all this feels pointless I know, life is nothing if not bloody hard sometimes but even when you forget all these things and end up walking round in a state of derealisation I still love you, to the bottom of the feet we share. I still feel comforted by the touch of your hand on my arm, even when you dig your nails into my skin to check I’m still here. You are and will always be the love of my life, I could spend everyday alone with you exploring different realities but there are things the world can give you I cannot. I can’t tell you life will be kind to you, or that it will be easy but just think of some of the fantastic moments we have had, you, me and the universe.