“I feel good, I feel great, actually I don’t but I’ll keep going anyway”

The fourth blog post by Rosalind, links to previous three blogs can be found at the bottom of the post!

It was at the beginning of 2016 I started singing this little bit to myself (in the tune of barneys I love you):

“I feel good, I feel great, actually I don’t but I’ll keep going anyway”

I sang this to my sister when she was in hospital; she said it was super depressing and didn’t make her feel any better, but each to their own I suppose.

There is something in this ‘depressing’ little jitty that made me feel better about the various shit that occurred throughout the year: be it my digestive system fucking up, anxiety, depersonalization, something shit happening etc. I can’t really tell you what it is about singing something that begins cheery then turns grim that comforts me, but singing this to myself has got me through.

2016 was a temperamental year, despite this personally I feel like I had a good year. I think part of that is due to the fact that even when things got really shitty a small part of me would just pipe up and be like ‘it’s okay, you can handle this, even if that doesn’t mean being the most functional person’.

This blog has been a big part of that; it’s helped me figure out a way to talk about being ill or feeling shitty and anxious without it being so much of a big deal. It can even be a great conversation starter.

Looking back at my calendar for the year is slightly baffling to me*, it’s a clear sign of the difference of how much more I’m capable of, how I can be not okay and keep going.

I have over the years managed to surround myself with some great people, who are very understanding, interesting and just great (wherever they happen to be in the world). Despite the fact that I have ‘moaned’ about having too many friends (the struggle is real) just having people in your life who don’t mind how tired/sick/anxious you are when you turn up to spend time with them is priceless.

This goes both ways, the other day I got a text saying something along the lines of “I’m feeling shitty not going to make the cinema want to come over for dinner”, I have a friend who frequently turns up really grumpy or unwell to see me. I’ve had really enjoyable evenings despite the fact that me or whomever I’m with (or both) haven’t been on top form. Alternately I’ve had evenings with friends that have been less enjoyable because of various things, but it’s just been nice to have the company.

I also really relish time by myself, especially this past year when I have not had as much as before (when did my life get so full). Even when I get crushingly sad and feel the weight of nothing really meaning anything or I just feel really disconnected from reality, there is something kind of comforting in my head. This hasn’t always been the case, another thing this year has kind of changed.

I have come to terms with my anxiety more in the past year**, I’m going to attempt to write more about anxiety in a future post; it’s been a journey. I have honed in my coping mechanisms and figured out the root of some of my anxieties, which makes them much easier to deal with.

I’m still a mess of a person and I fuck up, I struggle with silly things, my brain goes on strange journeys and creates problems that aren’t real but that’s just how you know you’re alive isn’t it (or maybe I’m just in denial but at least I’m happy some of the time).

To end this strange post I’m going to share some things from 2016 that made my life more enjoyable:

Podcasts:

  • The Bright Sessions
  • Terrible Thanks for Asking
  • ars PARADOXICA
  • The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air

Films:

  • Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
  • Golden Years
  • Hit and Run
  • Touched With Fire

TV series:

  • Detectorists
  • You’re the Worst
  • Fleabag
  • Campus

*Seriously though a week off for me, back in the day, could mean I wouldn’t see anyone because I needed the down time, now a day off can mean I socialise in the evening, who am I? Although I have been thinking more about fucking off somewhere on my own for a weekend… my pen, sketchbook, some books and me… maybe by the sea.

**I never used to think of myself as an anxious person; in fact I hated the word anxiety, but since I realised I was thinking about anxiety wrong my mind has been blown; anxiety while it can be restrictive and crippling can also be useful.

If you want to catch up on my other posts you can do so herehere and here.

 

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